Has anyone challenged you today?
Put you on the spot?
Made you feel like you were being tooled or ridiculed?
Played a game with your self-confidence?
This is going to be an UNBELIEVEABLE newsletter, because
this topic goes WAY beyond just pickup and at-tracting
women.
It speaks to the heart of who you are as a MAN.
And I’m going to show you - right now - how to blow out the most
common “Alpha” game there is between guys.
If you’re in a hurry, just go here right now to get the tips:
http://www.powersocialskills.com/
Read on…
QUESTION (Edited for length):
Carlos …In the past few months I’ve noticed that there are
special dynamics that go on when interacting with guys, especially
in front of women. It seems that there is always one (sometimes two
if it is a large group) alpha male in the group. And of course, the
female is attracted to him. I find that I have a strong desire to
be the alpha male, but am not always able to be.
For example, I’ll be bringing value to the group… when all of a
sudden, one of the males tries to screw with my game by calling me
names or making fun of me, and the thing is that honestly I am
sensitive, and sometimes I can’t hide the fact that it annoys me or
hurts me, and therefore I can’t come back with a stronger frame and
out-alpha this guy back.
For example, the yesterday, I walked up to a group of my college friends,
and asked a random question about where our class was being held…
As soon as I asked the question to the group, one of the guys
says, “You’re gay!” And then everyone laughed.
Now, it didn’t bother me too much at first, because I’m a confident
guy, and I don’t usually let things like this throw me off, or at
least I try not to… but when I just let the laughter pass and
kind of rolled my eyes, and asked the question again, he did the
same thing again even louder, therefore making the group laugh even
louder again at me.
This time, I just got pissed off, though probably not visibly (at
least to the guys, because they’re not as good at reading body
language, and there were two girls in the group, and about 4 or 5
guys, just so you get a better picture). I knew that since I was
pissed off, I was already in a weak position, one of reaction, and
I tried to make some sort of comeback, but my frame was already
thrown off, and basically he had succeeded in doing exactly what he
wanted to.
So I just walked away, angry as hell and wondering why I didn’t
just clobber him right on the spot… which yeah, on second thought
was probably not a good idea anyways.
So my question, now that you have a better picture of my full
situation, is how do I avoid being out-alphaed, if you know what I
mean? How can I be a leader instead of the guy that gets made fun of?
You’re the Man, man.
-Aaron
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Yowza… I TOTALLY know where you’re coming from on this one…
I remember being tooled like this by guys in the past and getting
REALLY frustrated by it.
There was this guy I remember way back when in high school that
used to spray kids at random with the fire extinguisher in the
halls. The one thing he counted on was that no one would call him
on it because he was a big guy. He used to laugh and wink at the
girls when he did it.
Same kind of juvenile behavior.
But there IS a cure for this kind of social shaming, and it’s
something you can use right away to reclaim your inner and outer
Alpha Man Confidence.
Because this situation happens to guys at EVERY age. I used to have
constant issues with a guy who would make sly comments whenever his
mistakes were pointed out in meetings.
He was in his FIFTIES, believe it or not.
There’s a realization you MUST have about the dynamic in groups
like this, and especially when guys start to interact in front of
women.
First of all, despite what you’re saying to the contrary, you
ARE getting shaken up by this guy. Hey, most guys would get a little
pissed, especially when group dynamics create an uncomfortable
situation.
AND he’s trying to embarrass you in front of the women in the group.
I used to get very unsettled when I would be talking to guys in
front of a group of women, because inevitably, they would try to
make me look like a dork so that they could look better.
(Remember: This is the universal game of the Weak and Feeble -
attack someone with underhanded insults to lower your social value
and to raise his own.)
This is the pecking order. The typical response most guys have to
being picked on is to REACT and let it get worse and worse, and
their anger gets stronger and stronger.
And, yes, these guys will probably fall to the dark side. (That’s when
you start responding by finding someone else you can push around or tool
to establish YOUR place on the social ladder.)
I wish I could say that we - as ‘intelligent’ human beings - have
overcome this kind of behavior, but we haven’t. It’s part of the
way people are. (Even women have their own pecking order.)
So the reality is that you ARE letting them get to you because you
believe that they are somehow being effective in lowering your
social status.
And when you get shaken up like this, you will find it very tough
to come up with an intelligent comeback or witty response to put
him in his place.
That was always the worst part for me. I’d get five steps away from
a situation where someone had made me look like a fool, and THEN
I’d come up with the perfect thing to say… “I should have
said….!”
TOO LATE.
And it’s because your mind can’t be resourceful when you’re in an
anxious state like this. The worst time to try to be at your best
is when you believe you’re at your worst.
So what’s the cure?
Have a STRATEGY for these situations prepared in advance.
Here’s the 3-step strategy.
Social Skill 1) Recognize the pattern of the situation before you
get into it. And if you see this pattern developing, avoid it.
Just like a trained fighter learns how to recognize the patterns of
his opponent, he also watches for their strengths and avoids them.
If you see a social situation where there is a mixed group gathered
together like this, be on ALERT. Especially if you know their
personalities.
I’m not saying avoid them right away, because that’s social
suicide, too. If you do that you’re learning how to avoid rather
than confront and overcome.
Just know the temperature of the water before you jump in.
By the way, I teach many of these strategies in my Power Social
Skills program. You can go read more here:
http://www.powersocialskills.com/
Now for the next strategy…
Social Skill 2) Don’t block. Instead, REDIRECT.
When you’re on the spot, and someone is blowing off your “serious”
question or request, the more you stay serious or you push to get your
result while they’re doing this to you, the more you will look
foolish.
When someone punches at me in the martial arts, I’m conditioned not
to block and stop their punch, because that’s force meeting force.
What I do is deflect it gently to the side so that they miss me and
wind up hurting themselves.
This is the fundamental principle of Aikido, by the way. If you’ve
ever seen Steven Seagal in one of his early movies, like “Marked
for Death”, you can see this principle in action.
The same principles hold true in conversation. If someone is
mocking or ridiculing, you will not be able to overcome them with
“Yeah, ha-ha, okay, BUT seriously…”
Because they know that they can get a bigger laugh at your expense
by making you the “straight man.”
You see?
If you want a perfect movie example of this one, watch the first
“Back to the Future” movie when George McFly (the dad) is in the
hallway at school and he’s got the “kick me” sign on his back. He
tries to get them to stop, but fails miserably.
So when they come at you with something like that, I usually
totally blow out their energy with the power of confusion.
He says: “You’re gay.”
You say: “You’re an iguana.”
He says: “Huh?”
You say: “That’s what SHE said.”
Then you turn right to one of the guys that is the “silent
follower” in that group - the one most likely to just do as he’s
told - and you don’t miss a beat: You ask him, “Dude, where’s that
class meeting?”
Ignore anyone else, and put the social pressure on this one guy
specifically.
BOOM!
You’ve just blown out the most common pecking order game there is.
This is a DEADLY effective tactic against a group, because the one
thing the group relies on is that no one has individual accountability
for the one guy who is mocking you.
The others feel like they can be the laughing audience because there’s
only ONE guy who’s playing you like this, and they are COUNTING on
you defending yourself against him. They’re not counting on you
holding one of THEM responsible for being a separate person with a mind of
his own.
And this process is easy because even if you’re flustered, you can
come up with random crap like this no problem. Just let your
scattered thoughts work FOR you.
Is this cool or what?
I LOVE deciphering and destroying guys on this kind of game,
because 99% of them have NO social skills at all, and it’s so easy
to annihilate their game.
And finally…
Social Skill 3) Have your backup plan ready to roll. EXPOSE him.
No social skill is complete without a backup, and this one is NO
different.
There’s always a chance that this guy will desperately flail around
to save his social image. Hey, the strategy I just gave you
actually does the PERFECT thing - it let’s him take the easy out
and save face. You haven’t directly insulted him, so he can only
keep going and make himself look worse.
As the saying goes, the more rope you give them, the more they have
to hang themselves with.
Remember that these guys have no real social skills beyond playing
out their mocking as a social strategy.
So if he keeps it up, trying to win by persistence, your backup plan
is to call him on it.
EXPOSE HIS GAME.
Calmly. Confidently. NO emotion. And with no intent to harm.
You simply expose what he’s doing in front of everyone, which
destroys his ability to make you look bad.
HIM: “Yeah, dude, but you’re still gay…” (Trying desperately to
get a laugh so that he doesn’t feel his value lowered. He looks
insecurely at his buddies one-by-one to see if they are still
responding. Pitiful.)
YOU: (Start trying to hold back your laughter.) “WOW, that’s pretty
clever. You’re trying to get a laugh at my expense.” (Look
impressed with him here.) “Hey, look, you keep going, dude. I just
know that eventually you’ll impress … uh… someone. Please, keep
going. Anyway, while you’re doing that, I’ll be somewhere else.
Later, chode.”
Walk away, laughing and shaking your head.
Hell, I’d even wink at one of the girls to let her know that YOU
know how the game is won.
Take my word for this… You do this sort of thing EVERY time -
refusing to react to him and acting on your own - he WILL give up.
He’s counting on you to play the game. If you don’t resist him, he
has no energy to use against you.
It’s like the little Chinese guy who’s attacked by the hulking 290
pound weightlifter. Time after time, the small Asian man ducks,
steps aside, parries, the punches and strikes of the big dude. The
monster muscle-man throws himself into dumpsters and cars and brick
walls. Eventually, he catches his breath and looks at the 5-foot
tall man who hasn’t taken so much as a scrape and says, “Okay…
I’ll let you go… THIS time.”
Who REALLY won?
We all know who the victor was, and it doesn’t need to be shouted
out with taunts and poor sportsmanship dancing in the end-zone.
Yeah, you could respond to his “You’re gay” comment with something
funny to banter with him, like: “You looking for a date? I’m not
interested, man.”
But then you get caught up in a whole new game of being Mr.
On the Spot Witty Guy. And that takes a lot of practice.
Just shut his game down so the other women there know who’s
boss.
I used to have SO many problems with other people and their silly
little games like this.
I used to get mad at THEM for using them on me, especially when it
seemed like women were playing me all the time…
Until I realized that it wasn’t THEIR fault that I was getting
pecked and mocked right out of social situations.
A coach once explained to a reporter why his team didn’t win the
game. He pointed the blame: “We just weren’t prepared to play in
the rain,” he said.
The reporter asked, “Didn’t it rain on the other team, too?”
Hmmm….
I figured out that it was MY fault for not learning how to play the
other guy better than they were playing ME.
And not to make him look bad or stomp him into the dirt, either.
That’s not necessary.
I realized I could get the Win-Win that would make BOTH of us come out
ahead. That way I get my personal victory, AND I keep the good will
of someone who doesn’t know social skills as well as I do.
(And let’s be honest, we don’t need any more enemies, do we?)
If you want to start winning like this in ALL of your social
encounters - whether it’s with dorky guys or hot women - you need
POWER social skills.
I created a very cool program that covers all the bases I just did
for you on this game - only on another 130+ games that you need to
know to win in your social life.
I go through each one with a game card to show you:
- What to look for so you recognize each of them before you get
caught up in them and made to look like the fool…
- What the personality type is of each person that uses this game,
and what their goal is - so you know what they’re looking for, and
how to help them get it without having to get caught up in the
silly game…
- How to handle each situation specifically, including your desired
objective and WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY to effectively defuse the game
and get things going the way you want it to…
And MUCH MUCH more…
Really, if you’ve every said to yourself “I’m so sick of these
games…!” then you owe it to yourself to take a look at this
exciting program…
Plus, I’m giving away some really cool training videos and
tutorials on that page as well…
Click and go read about how to handle social skills with power and
confidence:
http://www.powersocialskills.com/
Your friend,
Carlos Xuma
PS: You want to pay attention to the subtle indicators going on
in social situations - and it all starts with the basics of how
people are using social skills to their advantage. Now you can
understand them and win them, too…
Click this link and read the article now:
http://www.powersocialskills.com/
Carlos Xuma - Dating Advice for Men
http://www.datingdynamics.com
DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC
PO Box 10527 Oakland, CA 94610-0527, USA
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